i’m getting used to it. to arguing with her over only the things that matter. to slowing down life to a snail’s pace so that she can keep up without getting overwhelmed. to modeling behaviour for her so that she learns to emulate the good parts of me and not the worst. it’s hard - remaining calm when she’s flipping out - teaching a toddler patience when you’re not by nature a patient person yourself. it seems that none of the things i’d like her to learn in life come naturally to me. so like, i have to parent myself and my daughter to be the people i want us to be.

the last year. it’s been crazy. in the beginning i’d been trying to whip us into shape, to fit the model family i expect us to be (i ain’t talking keeping up with the joneses, folks - i’m talking *my* brand of model family). i have these crazy expectations and when we fail to meet them it crushes me. i’d like to be the family always up for anything. who always has a clean house and the fixings for rum punch and a belly-warming bowl of homemade pasta. the mom who fixes the clogged bathroom sink in the middle of finger-painting time. who’s child doesn’t run away in the store screaming ‘help me, save me!’ when it’s time to go home. who’s kid gets her two-year check-up and who’s family receives birthday and anniversary phone calls and presents on time and who can help out a friend at the drop of a hat. i need to be able to speak articulately about current events and politics, all without watching the news because it frightens me. and somewhere in there i’d like a little time and energy to pursue some personal interests.

i’m here to tell you folks. it cannot be done. that woman is a myth. created by the patriarchy to meet the man’s needs. or whatever. that woman must be on some lovely cocktail (i’m thinking maybe crystal, valium and a dirty martini - two olives, please - to finish it off) if she exists. most mamas go through this in the first year. sorry folks, i got here a little bit late. but i’m working on fighting my inner midwestern housewife. and ever so slowly we chug along, getting closer to a happy medium each day.

i miss writing. the purge is good for me no matter how pretty it looks on your screen. so i’ve decided that i’m going to find time for it. now i just need to figure out how i can incorporate my social life back in. friends in the computer and out - i’m sorry i’ve been away. i’ve missed each and every one of you and i’ve thought of you on a daily basis. forgive me. i’ll do my penance.

for superbowl sunday dinner (for which none of us will be home, but it’ll make a great midnight snack) i made foodmomiac’s italian vegetable soup, at the suggestion of family food.  this is one of the most satisfying soups out there, when paired with a big hunk of crusty italian bread.  i also broke out some peaches and blueberries i froze this past summer and made a galette for breakfast.

in more adoption-related news, there will soon be a name change happening in our house. see, when we adopted z, she was named ‘z’s middle name, first dad’s last name’. we renamed her with our chosen first name for her, her original first name as a middle name, and our hyphenated last name which is both mine and husband’s maiden names. i know, it’s confusing. the length of her name is a little daunting and people make big deals out of long or confusing names.  it wasn’t lightly that we saddled z with that burden. and after getting to know her these past two plus years, i’m more certain now than ever that if anyone can handle a long and complicated name, it’s my zade.  she’s just got that personality.

about a year ago, i brought up with hubby the subject of adding z’s first dad’s last name back into z’s long and complicated name.  he kind of nodded and said something along the lines of ‘whatever honey’.  i didn’t want it to be something that he just went along with, i wanted it to be something that he understood the meaning behind, so i didn’t mention it until last week.  it’s not that he didn’t get it - he’d just never put much thought behind the issues of naming in adoption.  over the last year, i’ve flapped my jaw at him enough about the ethics in adoption that he has been learning along with me (typically i do the research around adoption, because it’s my passion, and then relay the information to husband - we do the same thing with political issues but husband does the research and then tells me about it in words that don’t bore me to tears.  just playing off each other’s strengths).  so we decided the other day to add z’s first last name back into her name as her second middle name.  she’s going to hate us, i know.  now i just have to figure out how we go about this legally.

so that’s it for here.  happy sunday.